Wednesday, April 22, 2020

How to adapt to a new norm?

Some notes from my therapy session last week...

I have always believed who we are inside our homes must match who we are at work. The same logic can be applied for what we are experiencing right now...
Who we are when things are great must be who we are when things are not so great. 

My mind has been racing lately. I feel like I am working more than I have ever before. I can't seem to sit in peace. I know we are meant to rest and take a break, but all I have are ideas or lists of more things to do... do this! do that! try this! try that!

I have learned that when I am experiencing stress, my defensive mechanism is action. I distract myself with what is actually happening by DOING. But now that I have learned this about myself, I make it a point to intentionally check in with myself. I make it an intention to listen to and talk to my emotions.

How to adapt to a new norm?

We are witnessing a time of uncertainty like never before. It is a new ball game. A new way of existing.  All this "new" takes more out of us. It is important to recognize that new things do indeed take more energy.   What is unfamiliar takes more energy.

Action is a wonderful thing but not when it is paired with avoidance or denial. We must be aware in order to act authentically. My being self must direct my doing self.

We must pause and ask:
  • Why do I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted?
  • Do I absolutely need to do everything I am doing right now?
  • Do I need to do it all at once?
  • What pace is healthy for me?
  • How do I want myself and my family to remember this time? 
  • What type of memories can I create for them?
  • Am I checking in with myself?
  • Is there something I am not paying attention to?
Then pick and choose what you want to focus on rightfully and intentionally. Make sure your focus matches your inner value system (not what you think you "should" do but what you feel is right and meaningful to you). Again, your being self must direct your doing self.

Our thoughts can feel like a 'runaway horse' right now... scattered and untamed. We need to be the ones guiding it and moving it. As much as we are surrendering to all the uncertainties and things we are not in control of at this time, there is one thing we are most certainly and absolutely in control of - our thoughts. These thoughts that consume and create our days need our guidance and our authority. We are their boss. We are in control.

Say it out loud: "I am in control."



Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Become the Author of Your Life Story

To my dearest dance families,

I just wanted to check in... How are you? How are you feeling?

I can't stop thinking of all of us...
  • Feeling inadequate with the impossible task of balancing full time work with full time parenting
  • Anxious about what will happen next
  • Emotionally exhausted from managing everyone else's emotions and stress at work & home
  • Frustrated from having to put ourselves and our self-care at the bottom of the priority list
  • Afraid & worried for the health of our loved ones
  • Concerned about our loved ones who still have to be out in the forefront of all this
  • Heartbroken from canceled special events & milestone celebrations
  • Sad about being separated from our loved ones
  • Devastated with the realization that schools will not resume until September
  • Stressed out about financial pay-cuts, lay-offs and what not
  • Overwhelmed with the constant cooking all of a sudden
  • Physically exhausted every night while our patience is tested all day

Our norms have changed drastically. Many of us are understandably experiencing severe trauma, and are grieving the many losses of the way our lives used to be or how we imagined it to be.

I can be a very private person, yet these uncertain times have created a quiet courage within me that seeks to share more of my vulnerabilities and story with each of you.  I recently learned a wonderful definition of 'authenticity' that I just love:

The latin root of the word 'authenticity' is 'author', so being authentic doesn't mean being honest about who you are, it's about being you own author. Authentic is an active and creative process. It is not about revealing something, it's about building something; and that something is YOU. (Nina Burrow)

We get to create our story right now. This thought took me to my earliest memory of "authoring my own story". It was my sophomore year in high school and I was dealing with a heartbreak in all the wrong ways until I picked up a book, Tuesdays with Morrie. This was the first time I realized that I don't have to react the way I do. I can choose how I react and how I perceive my situation.

Since then, my lowest moments have constantly commanded me to create better versions of myself.  I have spent most of my life studying and developing my inner self through books until my breakdown in 2016. This is when books were no longer enough, and I decided to invest in my inner growth through therapy.  My breakdown was related to my stress and anxiety around being a full-time mother to my 1-year old daughter (Nora) at the time, while also being a full-time home maker, dance company owner, dance teacher, etc. This was a daunting task and I struggled accepting all my imperfections with my extremely unrealistic expectations of trying to do it all just the way I used to (before Nora was born).

With the expert guidance of my therapist, it took me about one full year to figure out a healthy balance and routine as a stay at home mom while working from home. The fact that so many of you have been forced to figure this out within days blows my mind. That is impossible! I can very much relate to the trauma, the mental breakdown, the stress, the anxiety, specifically around working from home and nurturing a child 24/7. This is essentially what broke me. I needed help and I seeked it and received it. 

Therapy felt like a mental massage, a workout, a dance. It was beautiful. It is something we all need in our lives.

Reflecting on this, I believe going to therapy after a breakdown was reactive. I wish I had been proactive and started this form of self-care a long time ago.  I look so forward to this uninterrupted time to sit with my thoughts and bounce them off with an expert in the field who has studied it all and is knowledgable about how to dissect, analyze and explore these complex parts of ourselves. 

So, why am I telling you all this? I want to share what I have learned with you because I feel that much of what I have been working on is especially helping me right now. I journal every time I have my therapy sessions and the days following. I have looked through my notes to share what I hope can help you in any small way at all...

Getting to know fear & anxiety

My greatest fear right now is passing my fears to my daughter. I feel an immense need to protect my own mind space so that I can authentically model what I've been working so hard to do over the past few years. The hardest part about this is that I am trying to create something that I never learned myself... my parents, as wonderful as they are, unknowingly passed down their generational anxiety and fear-based thinking to me. So this is not an easy cycle for me to break by any means.

Fear = our thoughts. In other words, fear is a result of what we choose to think about.

First & foremost, I give myself permission to be afraid and worried. Fear is natural and we must treat ourselves with compassion. We cannot move forward if it is met with resistance. It needs to be embraced and understood.

However, it must not consume me.  When fear consumes me, below is my mental process to get back to the "now".

I ask myself:
  1. Am I safe right now?
  2. Do I have enough money for today?
  3. Do I have enough food for today?
  4. Am I doing everything I possibly can that is in my control?
If the answers are yes, then there is nothing more I can do and I release my fears for that day. I know this is easier said than done because it requires our discipline and will power.  This is a muscle that needs to be practiced and strengthened. We must commit to replacing our thoughts that create fear and worry with thoughts that focus on the actual reality of right here and right now.

If the answer is no, then I create some actions around how I can address that need with what is in my control. I visualize it, I write it down and then I move on...

I love my therapists' definition of anxiety: It is like a loving puppy that is overly protective and is trying to stay on guard. We can talk to it and say 'I hear you. Don't worry, I am ok.'

Anxiety happens when our minds try to predict the future. It is when we get consumed by all the possibilities (usually the worst case scenarios).  When this happens, we are no longer present in the now. We are in the future. 

It is impossible to be anxious and present at the same time. Presence allows us to notice that everything is actually OK right now. We are at home, with food, with health, with family. Is it possible that we may need to go grocery shopping tomorrow and not find all the food we desire? Is it possible we may get sick tomorrow? Is it possible that we may be out of work or business next month? Yes! But, right now we have what we need. Right now we are healthy. Right now, we are doing everything we can that is in our control.

When we get anxious, we strip away what we have right now and are unable to enjoy it. We also strip our children from this moment of joy because we have filled that moment with worry of tomorrow. What's worse is that IF tomorrow is actually worse, we cannot even say that we enjoyed this time that was better.


Pass it on

If you have read this far, I thank you deeply.  And now, I pass the light to you. I want to learn from you. Share your stories... your struggles, your wins, how will you author your next moment? your next day?  (email me, text me or simply share in the comments section below). It is your connection and feedback I crave most.  

Also do let me know, if you found this helpful and if you would like me to continue to share such insights more regularly. My intention is to keep our dance family and community inspired and thriving.

I also encourage you to use our Facebook @AmnaDance as a space for connecting with each other even more... sharing tools and tips that are working for you as well as sharing your struggles and challenges so we do not feel alone.  We can truly learn so much from each other when we feel supported and united. If we cannot connect physically, we must continue to connect emotionally.  After all, some of the most powerful things in life are indeed invisible.

The irony of our physical distance is that it is creating opportunities for us to become even more personally connected. Thank you for giving me this gift.

With immense gratitude & love for each of you,
Amna

Monday, April 6, 2020

Life Class in Dance Class

Life Class in Dance Class:

How to Nurture Dancers to Become Best Version of Themselves


Do not tell your children to become the best there ever was. Do not tell your children to aim for gold.

Tell them to become the best version of themselves. Tell them to challenge themselves, using themselves as a measure of success.

Life Lesson in Dance Class #1:
I have noticed that often parents will instill a competitive nature in children. This is not a misguided goal, because setting their child up with skills and habits that will bring them success in life is the best gift a parent can give. However, this often mistakenly takes the form of negative reinforcement in disguise.

For one child to win, the majority must lose, and while that may seem like a great incentive to work harder, it creates a history of failure. You might be setting up your child for a cycle of hard work fueled by regret or anxiety or anger from losing.

Instead, set them up for success! By aiming to become the best version of themselves, they focus on
their own improvement and celebrate success using only themselves as a measure. They embrace
their unique skills and individuality instead of imitating others, which leads to better self-esteem. As an instructor, I always try to emphasize hard work, humility, and patience so my students can become the best version of themselves, without comparison to others. Positive reinforcement, all the way!

Many times I see that children are more focused on where they are standing in the formation... Am I in the front or am I in center? When dancing across the floor and learning a new technique, they are more focused on the rest of the students' reactions to what they are doing than actually just focusing on themselves and refining their movements. Why? Why is our focus so skewed from such a young age?

I beg to argue that these are habits and beliefs formed in the subconscious mind that can show up EVERYWHERE. And since I believe that what you focus on is what you will get - I aim to change my students' focus. I aim to clear out the distractions and help them love themselves and gain confidence instead of letting their emotions be dependent on whether they are in the center-front or if the other student approves of how they are dancing. If we can all as a community, help the youth understand that they are doing a wonderful job and re-iterate that it doesn't matter if u are center-front. If you just focus on being the best dancer you can be, people will watch you even if you are all the way in the back. hard work matters and it will get recognized. But we must first start with your soul and make sure you love yourself enough to clear out all the gunk and just focus on the beauty of YOU!


Life Lesson in Dance Class #2:
The power of a smile. I teach students from various social economic levels and have noticed a beautiful commonality in every child/family/area/school/etc and it is the universal language and power of a smile. Children may have had a bad day at home,. I may have had a rough day, we might be tired today, etc. but during the short time that I am with my students, SMILING is #1 on my list. When my children share their happiness with me, I forget all the troubles of my day and am in the moment and I reach to be able to give them the same every day. I had a mother share a story with me about her child and how she wrote a paper in school saying that she loves and appreciates her mother so much. One of the main things that stood out to me in what this little girl wrote is that she mentioned how her mom smiles all the time and that makes her happy. Who would have thought such a little thing would be appreciated so much that she would write about it? The power of a smile can be underestimated and it affects our children more than we realize. Make sure to smile a littel extra today.

Life Lesson in Dance Class #3:
The way you face the smallest of challenges in life, reflects on the way you will face the greatest of them. Build your muscles today!

I had a student in  my class who constantly gave up after 1-2 pushups (when we do 3 sets of 10!!!). The student would laugh and smile after choosing to not try to complete the whole set. Of course I understand that children need time to be able to build the muscles to be able to do all 10 pushups, let alone do 3 sets of them :) BUT this was about 4 months into our classes now. So I finally stopped the class and spoke to the student and addressed the issue ' If you give up so easily on doing 10 pushups, it is going to reflect on how you handle challenges outside of this studio. You are enabling a habit that will follow you for the rest of your life. Start creating the muscles in your mind and do not give up so easily.'  The student nodded and we continued our last set of pushups. the student completed ALL TEN PUSHUPS. I was so proud and thrilled and saw the same expression on her face.

Learn to set your standards high and be the person you want to be - whether it is by yourself in your room, in front of a classroom or at a dance studio :)

Life Lesson in Dance Class #4:
Help each other help each other. Being in a group environment can be difficult. You deal with several personalities and emotions. I personally consider myself to be sensitive to each others' feelings and I am partial to helping foster that environment in my classes. If a child laughs when someone messes up a dance step, I make sure to ask them 'how do you think that made them feel' and help them understand that they shouldn't act in that way again. Vice versa, we perform for each other in small groups and I watch the audience more than the performers at times to make sure they are being a good audience and not talking, as well as making to sure to applaud at the end.A support system is needed everywhere in our lives and it is also needed in our dance classes because a strong support system ensures the best environment for the students to do and become their best.
I remember once a student accidentally stepped on another students foot causing them to trip. This 4 year old girl started crying away, when the other student responded with an 'I'm sorry', the little girl stopped crying, looked at him and said 'It is okay.' I realized not only is it important for us to say Sorry but equally as important for the other person to let the one at fault know that it is okay. This 4 year old girl had accepted a life lesson some of us have still to learn. :)

Keep on Dancing to Inspire!
Amna